Walls Of Refuge...

Dear Father,

What's wrong with me?! I feel this overpowering need to seek a refuge...to run away and hide from everything and everyone.

You know I don't ever want to REALLY be "alone", but staying to myself is the only place I find comfort. Conversation is hard. It always turns out in a negative way for me. I can't express my questions or feelings. I wind up being totally misunderstood.

I feel the only control I have in my life now is to throw up walls around me...withdrawing, shutting myself in, and blocking everyone and everything out. As though its the only thing I have the power to do...so I do it...and I hide.

But, at the same time, I'm scared...afraid I might somehow cross some invisible line of no return, making it impossible for me to ever again be "normal"...whatever "normal" is.

I find I'm in a strange and unexplainable condition. My emotions run wild, run their course, then seem to finally level out...only to come back around and overtake me again.

Answers elude me...questions and fears invade my mind and haunt me...I can find no satisfying or lasting answers.

Each time only this comes to my mind, another unanswerable question, "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God." 
So again, I'm left with an empty feeling, because I'm not sure what You mean, Father! 
But I want to know!!

Please, lead me to Your truth and help me find peace! You promise peace that passes our human understanding...Oh! How I need Your lasting peace!! 

 "O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go hence, and be no more."