Candle In The Darkness...

Black clouds have gathered round me!
I no longer see the light!
This darkness will destroy me,
Lord, I've lost my will to fight!

How long, Lord! Oh how long?!
Will You forever Hide Your face?!
Will You not light the way for me?!
Am I to lose this race?!

"I'm HERE, My child! BELIEVE IT!
Your long journey's almost O'er.
You're doing fine. Just trust Me!
Don't despair!...A few miles more.

Remember those who need you.
Think on THEM! For you must be,
Their Candle in the Darkness.
You must light their way to Me!"

Lord, help me to remember THEM,
With every step I take.
Give grace, to shine in darkness!
E'en if only for their sake!!

How Does Humanity Love Deity...

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

Father,
I have an unquenchable longing inside me to deeply "love" You...a Being I can't really see, touch, hear. How can I do this? How can I actually "LOVE" You, and know that I'm "LOVING" You?

What is LOVE to You? How do You want it expressed and proven? I'm warned to guard my feelings and emotions, but all I know of LOVE revolves around these human senses.

I need peace in my heart! I need my faith somehow validated by You, Father. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? But I can no longer trust human beings to reassure me concerning my spiritual issues.

I want to love You...I NEED to love You...
but I don't know how.
I believe I love You, but do I...can I...truly?
Is it possible in this sin-cursed body and world to love a Holy God, and somehow prove my love?

You command me to love You. But You also say, if I love You I'll keep Your commandments. Problem is, I can't keep Your commandments. That's why You had to come and die.

So what am I to do...what is "LOVING YOU?!"

You lived in human flesh. You know the human need to "feel" security and assurance. Even You knew as a Man, that You had been "forsaken" by Your Father-God. You felt He had left You...and it tormented You.

My heart LONGS to really know and love You. But just saying it doesn't make it true. And the harder I try to figure it out and get closer to You, the more my heart and spirit seem empty.

So all I can do is keep seeking You with all my heart. You promised if I do that, I will find You.

Please, Father...don't hide Your face from me! I need You!

And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

I Cry With My Voice...

 

 I wonder if God has to pull us into the darkness, where we can see nothing, in order to draw us closer to Him...

Those horrible, dark , black hole times. The times when we really deal with things that we never would have, had we not gone through them.

The times when we cry in desperation--with our voice--out loud.

When we open up our deepest, innermost issues, and actually hear them, instead of continuing to keep them buried deep...festering within our hearts and spirits.

Sometimes its the only way. We hear from deep inside ourselves. Only then are we able to get at the root of our problems.

Perhaps its just another phase God uses to help us to dig it up...open it up...get it out.

It's often very painful to see ourselves, and our issues...as they really are. 

But that's the only way God can reveal our weaknesses, and show us the path we need to take.
 

I cried unto the Lord with my voice; with my voice unto the Lord did I make my supplication. 

I poured out my complaint before him; I shewed before him my trouble. 

When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then thou knewest my path.

Divine Humanness...

 Dear Father,

You tell me that You are in me...with me always...even in my most desperate and despicable times.

You know, while here in this life, I have no choice but to deal with this body of death and sin. I often wonder...what do You think when you see me struggle so...how does that make You feel? 
Do You have any idea how much I hate disappointing You? 
I wonder...

Then, I realize...of course You know! You purposely, miraculously put Yourself into human flesh so that You COULD experience every thought, every feeling, every emotion, every temptation, every heartache, every pain, every sorrow, every doubt, every fear--every thing that a human being can or will experience from the time of conception. 

You...Eternal, all powerful, Almighty God, who created and formed everything, placed Yourself in the weakest, most vulnerable condition that Deity could ever be found. 

     And again...I wonder...

How did You feel to be, by Your own choice, locked in the prison of humanity for over 33 years? The thought of that is so absolutely unimaginable. 

And to think You did that for me? Yes, You did it for all of humanity, past, present and future...but...it was also for each of us individually...so...You did it for me!

I can know for certain that You, my gracious, loving, Holy Father-God, know and care about every single, insignificant to anyone else, detail of ME...what I experience each and every moment of my life. There's no way I'll ever be able to understand the depth of Your love.

Oh, how I want to know You, and love You more and more...know You as You want to be known...love You as You want and deserve to be loved. 

Please, keep drawing me closer and closer to You, my Father. Give me a foretaste of what I'll know in full when I finally see You face to face. 

Elusive Faith...

 Oh, why?!...the harder that I try to find sweet peace in You,
Does this elude my grasp, and seem impossible to do?

I pray and pray for faith and trust...Oh, why can't I be strong?!
For all the while I fail and fail...what am I doing wrong?!

You give so many promises to fit my ev'ry need,
But when I try to make them mine, my anxious heart won't heed.

What is the problem with me, Lord? I have this fretful blot.
It robs me of the lasting peace You've vowed can be my lot.

So many times You've proven that You're right here by my side.
Why is it, then, more oft than not, my doubts still override?

I tell my anxious, fretful heart Your love can never fail.
But ev'ry time I face a trial my doubts and fears prevail!

It frustrates me, my Father-God, when my faith fails Your test.
I certainly should know by now that You know what is best.

I want to trust You more and more. I know that pleases You.
I hate my human weaknesses! Please tell me what to do!

I long to find real peace in You! Please end this deadly fight!
I want...I NEED!...to trust Your words..."We walk by faith, not sight!"

Written 2015

Walls Of Refuge...

Dear Father,

What's wrong with me?! I feel this overpowering need to seek a refuge...to run away and hide from everything and everyone.

You know I don't ever want to REALLY be "alone", but staying to myself is the only place I find comfort. Conversation is hard. It always turns out in a negative way for me. I can't express my questions or feelings. I wind up being totally misunderstood.

I feel the only control I have in my life now is to throw up walls around me...withdrawing, shutting myself in, and blocking everyone and everything out. As though its the only thing I have the power to do...so I do it...and I hide.

But, at the same time, I'm scared...afraid I might somehow cross some invisible line of no return, making it impossible for me to ever again be "normal"...whatever "normal" is.

I find I'm in a strange and unexplainable condition. My emotions run wild, run their course, then seem to finally level out...only to come back around and overtake me again.

Answers elude me...questions and fears invade my mind and haunt me...I can find no satisfying or lasting answers.

Each time only this comes to my mind, another unanswerable question, "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God." 
So again, I'm left with an empty feeling, because I'm not sure what You mean, Father! 
But I want to know!!

Please, lead me to Your truth and help me find peace! You promise peace that passes our human understanding...Oh! How I need Your lasting peace!! 

 "O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go hence, and be no more."

Faith Or Fantasy...

Oh, Father, how I want to know You! 
Really Know You! 

Not just pretend I know You, while wishing with all my heart it was real.
Not just parroting or puppetting what I've seen or heard from from others or received through ancient archives from the past.

I want to know You the way You want me to know You while I'm still imprisoned in this world; trapped in this body of flesh which is helplessly bent toward anxiety and fear and doubt and falsehood and pretense.



There's nothing fulfilling or lasting in fake, put on "fantasy faith" .
What good is a "faith" that doesn't truly KNOW You, reach You, experience You? 

When I'm alone in my non-embellished world, where there's only my transparent thoughts, and the reality of my ACTUAL faith...if all I find is pretense...I'll find no perfect peace or comfort. 
Pretense may impress those around me, but it leaves me thirsty and empty and unfulfilled.

If all I have is "put on faith", then all I have to give others is emptiness, when You came to give real and lasting life. Please give me real, genuine faith. Faith that can only come from You.

Just a tiny glimpse of You would help relieve my fears, and release any hold this world still has on my affections. Then...maybe I could bring a bit of genuine, lasting light and life to others who may chance to cross my path, who are also seeking You.

You did tell us to be the light of the world...how can I give light if my faith is a mere shadow of someone else's fantasy?