Divine Humanness...

 Dear Father,

You tell me that You are in me...with me always...even in my most desperate and despicable times.

You know, while here in this life, I have no choice but to deal with this body of death and sin. I often wonder...what do You think when you see me struggle so...how does that make You feel? 
Do You have any idea how much I hate disappointing You? 
I wonder...

Then, I realize...of course You know! You purposely, miraculously put Yourself into human flesh so that You COULD experience every thought, every feeling, every emotion, every temptation, every heartache, every pain, every sorrow, every doubt, every fear--every thing that a human being can or will experience from the time of conception. 

You...Eternal, all powerful, Almighty God, who created and formed everything, placed Yourself in the weakest, most vulnerable condition that Deity could ever be found. 

     And again...I wonder...

How did You feel to be, by Your own choice, locked in the prison of humanity for over 33 years? The thought of that is so absolutely unimaginable. 

And to think You did that for me? Yes, You did it for all of humanity, past, present and future...but...it was also for each of us individually...so...You did it for me!

I can know for certain that You, my gracious, loving, Holy Father-God, know and care about every single, insignificant to anyone else, detail of ME...what I experience each and every moment of my life. There's no way I'll ever be able to understand the depth of Your love.

Oh, how I want to know You, and love You more and more...know You as You want to be known...love You as You want and deserve to be loved. 

Please, keep drawing me closer and closer to You, my Father. Give me a foretaste of what I'll know in full when I finally see You face to face. 

Elusive Faith...

 Oh, why?!...the harder that I try to find sweet peace in You,
Does this elude my grasp, and seem impossible to do?

I pray and pray for faith and trust...Oh, why can't I be strong?!
For all the while I fail and fail...what am I doing wrong?!

You give so many promises to fit my ev'ry need,
But when I try to make them mine, my anxious heart won't heed.

What is the problem with me, Lord? I have this fretful blot.
It robs me of the lasting peace You've vowed can be my lot.

So many times You've proven that You're right here by my side.
Why is it, then, more oft than not, my doubts still override?

I tell my anxious, fretful heart Your love can never fail.
But ev'ry time I face a trial my doubts and fears prevail!

It frustrates me, my Father-God, when my faith fails Your test.
I certainly should know by now that You know what is best.

I want to trust You more and more. I know that pleases You.
I hate my human weaknesses! Please tell me what to do!

I long to find real peace in You! Please end this deadly fight!
I want...I NEED!...to trust Your words..."We walk by faith, not sight!"

Written 2015

Walls Of Refuge...

Dear Father,

What's wrong with me?! I feel this overpowering need to seek a refuge...to run away and hide from everything and everyone.

You know I don't ever want to REALLY be "alone", but staying to myself is the only place I find comfort. Conversation is hard. It always turns out in a negative way for me. I can't express my questions or feelings. I wind up being totally misunderstood.

I feel the only control I have in my life now is to throw up walls around me...withdrawing, shutting myself in, and blocking everyone and everything out. As though its the only thing I have the power to do...so I do it...and I hide.

But, at the same time, I'm scared...afraid I might somehow cross some invisible line of no return, making it impossible for me to ever again be "normal"...whatever "normal" is.

I find I'm in a strange and unexplainable condition. My emotions run wild, run their course, then seem to finally level out...only to come back around and overtake me again.

Answers elude me...questions and fears invade my mind and haunt me...I can find no satisfying or lasting answers.

Each time only this comes to my mind, another unanswerable question, "Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God." 
So again, I'm left with an empty feeling, because I'm not sure what You mean, Father! 
But I want to know!!

Please, lead me to Your truth and help me find peace! You promise peace that passes our human understanding...Oh! How I need Your lasting peace!! 

 "O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go hence, and be no more."

Faith Or Fantasy...

Oh, Father, how I want to know You! 
Really Know You! 

Not just pretend I know You, while wishing with all my heart it was real.
Not just parroting or puppetting what I've seen or heard from from others or received through ancient archives from the past.

I want to know You the way You want me to know You while I'm still imprisoned in this world; trapped in this body of flesh which is helplessly bent toward anxiety and fear and doubt and falsehood and pretense.



There's nothing fulfilling or lasting in fake, put on "fantasy faith" .
What good is a "faith" that doesn't truly KNOW You, reach You, experience You? 

When I'm alone in my non-embellished world, where there's only my transparent thoughts, and the reality of my ACTUAL faith...if all I find is pretense...I'll find no perfect peace or comfort. 
Pretense may impress those around me, but it leaves me thirsty and empty and unfulfilled.

If all I have is "put on faith", then all I have to give others is emptiness, when You came to give real and lasting life. Please give me real, genuine faith. Faith that can only come from You.

Just a tiny glimpse of You would help relieve my fears, and release any hold this world still has on my affections. Then...maybe I could bring a bit of genuine, lasting light and life to others who may chance to cross my path, who are also seeking You.

You did tell us to be the light of the world...how can I give light if my faith is a mere shadow of someone else's fantasy? 

Each Day A New Beginning...

Dear Father,

Each day is a fresh, new beginning, graciously given to me by You for some purpose that only You know. 



Your grace is the only thing that will get me through what's ahead, and what You've planned for me today. 

And the devil always makes his presence very plain and clear. 

Please, I beg You, take hold of me, Father, and give me the grace I need to face every new thing as it comes, knowing You are in control and will never leave me as I face them. 

And if You will...please make me fully aware of Your presence. Or give me the added strength and faith I need to face my day, even without the human awareness of Your being there, knowing that even though I can't FEEL You, I still KNOW You are there...
because You said You would be...and You never lie. 

Please don't allow the devil to have more power over my mind to make his presence known to me than You do...I need to know You're there!

A Bruised Reed...A Wounded Heart

What I thought my life was all about, built on, and meant to be...suddenly became a painful disillusionment.

 

I've lost all sense of direction. Not really caring much about life anymore, I wander aimlessly from one day to the next, trying to find something to fill this horrible void, with no real purpose to live--when just a short time ago my life was full, and had tremendous meaning and purpose. 
Life now seems an endless, aimless, emptiness...filled with no goals, no plans, no resources...
NO PURPOSE!

Eating, sleeping, breathing, pointless tasks, endless mindless activity, no direction, no real reason to get up in the morning...
NO PURPOSE!  
Like dragging a dead mindless body from one point to another.

If life is a precious gift, why do I find myself so weary in it?! 
I just...exist!

And the devil is relentless! He never gives up. He never stops. He uses whatever he can to work on my mind--to defeat me and depress me and to get me back down into the darkness where he lives.
My mind is the deadliest of battlegrounds.

                                                                                    

Dear Father,
All I have to offer You is a broken down body, a broken and fractured spirit, a wounded and disillusioned heart, a weary mind, and a tormented soul that needs to be restored. 

Such as it is, I give it all to You. Bind up, heal, strengthen, restore, renew and refresh as only You can. Lift me out of myself, and give me new purpose for living.

WITHOUT YOU, FATHER, THERE IS NO PURPOSE IN LIFE!

What heavy burden or lashing wind bruised and bent your head? 
I see you looking at the depths just waiting for the moment when you will snap and be no more.
I feel the breeze. Ripples of love spread forth the promise of dawn's gentle touch.
Fiery heat will once again light the smoldering wick.
The King of dawn is coming; a bruised reed He will never break.
If you could but see with His eyes the beauty of the wounded heart that simply waits. 
~Selected~

Our Secret Garden...

                For a little while, I am all Yours, and You are mine...

My body still partly sleeps, but my mind is awake while my heart lays close to the keyboard of my inner being...and I talk to You, my Father. 

     You are the only one I CAN talk to who understands me.

    Once again I find my sanctuary by withdrawing to the one place that is Yours and mine alone. That place where no one sees or hears but You. I can no longer find peace in the company of others. Not even those closest to me. 

     And Although I would never want to be totally alone in this world, I still find my peace and contentment is where I'm safely tucked away, alone, in Your comforting and consoling Presence. 

You tell me that this is where You want me to be...often. And as I seem now to have constant need to run to You because of anxious moments, I actually find myself desiring to be alone with You more and more.  

     I fear being horribly misunderstood.  This isn't a normal or natural state of mind. Most crave the company of others. While I, more and more, crave only Yours.

I find peace and acceptance with You, where I feel vulnerable and insecure anywhere else. 

Am I losing my wits? Or, am I finally finding the peace and security of Your presence? 

     The kind of refuge you've promised I could find if I seek You with all of my heart? 

I do have one person in my life who seems to understand these kinds of feelings. The only one with whom I've ever dared share my innermost thoughts. How very blessed I am, and thankful to have that one human being who understands how I feel about many things...but especially how I feel about my relationship with You, Father...

    ...it's such a comfort to know I have at least that one.

"I come to Our Garden alone...You walk with me, and talk with me, and You tell me I am Your

own...what joy we share as we tarry there..."

God, You've Brought Me This Far...

DEPRESSION...oppression...anxiety...confusion...abandonment...despair!
What is this?! What's happening to me...AGAIN?!

These crazy, mixed up, confusing, life and spirit-draining emotions!!!

They crawl into my heart and head and body, out of nowhere. One minute I'm feeling fine, then suddenly...overwhelmingly...I feel like running...hiding...covering my head...crying...quitting!

It all comes on in a moment...like a horrible creeping fog. That desolate feeling as it must have been like in my favorite novels, Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyer...like the moving in of the eery mists over the moors...swallowing up my heart, my mind, my spirit in its engulfing, suffocating, inescapable grasp.

I can't shake this! No matter how hard I try...
"Oh, God!...Please hurry!...and set me free from this horrible, desolate feeling of  unexplainable depression and despair...AGAIN!"

Yes, it happens, often. I can't explain it. No one can understand it unless they've experienced it.
And I've learned what I have to do, IMMEDIATELY!
I run to my Father and stay with Him no matter how long it takes to find peace.
He's the only one who knows what and why this is happening to me...AGAIN.
He experienced all this, and much, much more during His walk as a man on this earth...
and He did it so that He COULD fully understand what I face and feel on my journey here.

"In my despair I cried unto the Lord, and He heard me... 
     For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are..." 

Be Still My Soul...

My Solitude

When life slows down and here I sit, allowing memories to flit
Across my mind with whim or whit. It is with pleasure I permit...
My solitude
 

I let these mem'ries come and go, because I often long to know
The feelings that around me flow were part of me so long ago.
My solitude
 

Faint pictures tiptoe through my mind. Some bring me joy, some are unkind.
But let them come, for I'm resigned to walk with them as they remind...
My solitude

Yes, come, dear mem'ries, take my hand, and lead me to your sacred land
Of shades and sunlight, take command, for they may help me now to stand.
My solitude
 

Your shades remind me of my nights. Of haunting fears and fitful flights.
Your sunlight takes me to my heights. They give me strength to face new plights.
My solitude

So help me not to run and hide from my past struggles, ebbs and tides.
For with each joy and pain abides the peace that God was at my side.
My solitude
 

Oh, thank You, Lord, for granting me the gift of wand'ring back with Thee,
To journey through my misty sea, and thus prove Your reality.
My solitude

Poem Written 2003

Divine Emptiness...

Father, my world is so full of You...
    If I pay attention and look for You, it isn't hard for me to enjoy the pleasure of Your company. You're all around me...

  I see You in the tender and gentle way my sweetheart lovingly cares for me.
  I see You as my beloved children constantly reassure me of their love and devotion.
  
  I see You when the new life of spring begins to show itself. The air changes and brings to me its sweet, warming, fragrant "spring is arriving" life renewing awareness.

  I see You as the beautiful song birds return to grace my refuge...my "Beside the still waters." 
A variety of tiny, adorable, feathered friends come to visit me outside my windows, feasting on seeds and nectar. They build their nests in my trees, and perform for me their own celebration of spring's welcome return after earth's chilling winter sleep.

  I see You in the trees as they bud and start to burst out with new life, and some prepare for lovely flowers that will fill the air with sweet smells, ushering in summer with its warmth and beauty--so much of Your awesome wonder to enjoy. Too much for me to take in and comprehend.

  I see You in the cooling drowsiness of fall, when the leaves turn to burning flames of color just before giving up their lives and letting go to return to the ground, giving their sacrifices of nourishment for the new coming season.
  As sleep calls to all of nature with its whispers and lullaby's of rest, even the empty, barren trees, revealing the dank, moist, dirt  floors of mountains and the lazy, empty mowed fields are beautiful to me. Almost every living thing is lulled to sleep so that it can gain new strength to rise again in a few short months with new energy and life and beauty for me to greedily enjoy once more.

  I see Your presence in the soft, fleecy 'down' blanket of fresh, fluffy, new fallen snow of winter covering the ground like a warm, cozy quilt, and doing its balancing act on the branches of trees as it gives me object lessons on the pure, clean holiness that will someday be mine because of Your incredible love and sacrifice.

All these things, and much, much more...I know You're here...I feel You loving me...making me feel so special and secure. But, at the same time it frustrates me, and makes me yearn for the ability to fully receive Your love, and return it more deeply and sincerely. 

Deep inside me there's a void, an emptiness, a longing to let You in...take You in...absorb You! I want to see You...hear You...feel You. I want to experience You! And I want to love You more and more and more...
 
Yes, even in the midst of all of this indescribable glory and beauty of nature, and the sweet, life-giving attentiveness of my precious loved ones--certainly You have given me Your best--still I find that there remains this horrible unexplainable, nagging void...this emptiness...this hunger for something...something more...something missing...

Maybe its because I wasn't made for this world...maybe its because my spirit longs for another...
Maybe...just maybe...its a Divine Emptiness...

Life's Healing Journey...

So often I've heard these statements, "Surely, you should be over this by now; You need to put this in the past and move on with your life; Why has this had such a horrible affect on you? Why can't you get over this?"

There seem to be many cycles and phases which God has chosen for me to go through as I journey toward, and hope for, what most would call healing...
Confusion. Horrible fear, anxiety and brokenness. Times which I call my "black holes"--where nothing seems to be able to penetrate the never ending void of darkness. Periods of withdraw, even from those closest to me. Depression, and even oppression.

And...mixed in with all this...times when I seem to be doing well...the darkness is diminished...the sun shines in my heart...and life is good again...for a little while...

Maybe this is the way God has chosen for me to find complete "healing"...truly, I am one of a kind. God has made each of us unique in every way. I may not "heal" exactly like someone else might...there is no "One size fits all" in God's creation...

And...just maybe...healing isn't a destination. Maybe its a process where God brings something into my life that is humanly impossible for me to cope with which drives me to my knees, and to Him.

And...maybe He does this because of His total understanding of me. Maybe He knows nothing short of complete brokenness will drive me to my knees in search of a closer walk with Him...and...after all...that IS why He made me in the first place.

Recently, I feel I've been set back a bit from where I had much recovered and come out of the dark place I was in for so long. Feeling once again that darkness seems to be coming into my spirit. This has caused me to run to God to find my refuge, and the help I need to pull me out of it...again.

But strange as it may seem, these reoccurring bouts with anxiety and depression have become almost little "permissions" to withdraw again, and spend much time alone with God. Almost like little havens from intermittent storms. And isn't that what He tells me He is...my refuge...my present help in trouble...my Shelter in the time of storms? So why should it be strange to me that this would be exactly what He would want me to do each time I go though a different phase of my healing process?

There are many physical illnesses that take months, years and even lifetimes to go through, using checks and balances to control what's happening to the body. Could it be that the heart and spirit may need the same care from a loving and compassionate Heavenly Father, in order to bring His children to the perfection He sees in them that we can't yet see?

That IS the destination He has for us, isn't it? Being finally conformed to Perfection...to be like Jesus? Certainly it will take a lifetime for Him to accomplish this in us...

I was reminded from my little devotional today that much of my weariness is caused from fighting the relentless attempts of the world, the flesh and the devil to take control of my heart, my mind, my entire being. And, that His strength is made perfect in my weaknesses. He constantly reminds me in so many ways that I need to continuously reset my mind to be aware of His Presence and control of my life, and His intent and design to someday fully heal my brokenness...

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusteth in Thee...They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength."

When I'm Hurting And Afraid-Where Can I Run...

Oh, it would be so nice just to somehow curl up on God's lap 
and absolutely soak in all of His love and warmth and glory...

...how can I accomplish such a wonderful thing in this life...



Father...

Just for a little while...may I curl up into Your lap like the frightened little girl I am...
and soak in all of Your warmth and strength and love that I can...
just for a little while...

That's the only safe and secure place I have in this world...

                                        
        What time I am afraid...
                         I will trust in Thee!

When My Heart Cries, Does No One Hear...

There have been times when I've experienced some very dark and lonely seasons. During one of my more lengthy ones I realized that there just wasn't anyone to turn to. No one who could possibly understand what I was going through or how I was feeling...I didn't even understand myself. So, I built walls around my heart and spirit which caused me to withdraw from just about everyone in my life, and pretty much...from life. I shut myself down and closed myself in. I was so confused. Confused and scared about what was happening to me, and I didn't know what to do. I spent days, weeks, and months lost in such horrible darkness and emptiness. I even tried once more to get help from a close friend, but again, I only came away more miserable and confused--why God? Why me?!

Finally one day...feeling completely lost and broken...I went alone and cried out to God...

And after a long time with Him, I sat down and wrote this:

Dear Father, 

I believe I'm finally realizing what's causing this horrible, never ceasing emptiness and tugging at my heart and spirit. I believe I know now what You're trying so hard to make me understand.

I've longed for someone who genuinely cares about who I am, and what I think, and what I feel. Someone who would care enough to take the time, and put forth the effort to be attentive...really see and feel what I see and feel so deeply. Because of this longing, I've often laid my heart wide open, only to leave myself vulnerable and horribly misunderstood.

Just now, as I was trying again to convey my yearning to be understood, and how very much I've always wanted my life to somehow make a difference, I believe I felt YOU tug at my heart of hearts, and You seemed to say, "My child, you're trying to get MY kind of responses from other human beings who I made...just like I made you.  No human can ever understand the spirit or depth of love and devotion that I have placed within your heart for My purposes. Only I understand who and what YOU really are...your 'innermost heart of hearts'...because I'm the One who made you that way. Stop trying to open your innermost being to flesh and blood, who have that same longing to be heard and felt and understood...

Only I will understand.

Bring your heart and spirit to Me, My child! Pour it ALL out to Me! I already know what's there, and only I know what you need. I will never ignore you, condemn you, dismiss you, misinterpret what you're trying to say, misjudge your desires or motives, or push aside the unceasing inner craving of your heart and spirit to be heard and felt. Remember...I made you for Myself.  Stop trying to give what I want from you to others, who will likely misunderstand, or trample under foot and destroy. 

Come to Me with it ALL! 

I love you with an intimately deep and eternal Love that will never fail you, and will never hurt you. I proved that when I died for you and freely forgave you. I wanted you with Me for eternity, so I gave up everything to get you back.

Bring your heart of hearts to Me, My child...I promise you'll never be sorry."

~Unlock the door of the secret garden of your heart--to God...
For He's the only One who can truly understand~

Broken and Searching Heart

Sometimes God sends our, what we feel are well ordered, purposeful and meaningful lives into a tailspin that, as we see it, suddenly leaves our world turned upside down and backwards. It seems nothing makes any sense anymore and that nothing will ever be the same again. It may drive us away from Him, or drive us to our knees to find out what to do now, and find who and what we truly are, and what our purpose for living is now that everything that we felt stable and secure in has seemingly fallen apart.
 This is where I have found myself in recent years. The brokenness and darkness have been so disturbing it has almost buried me. So I began searching for answers, and seeking God's face and reassurances with every ounce of energy I had left in me--which I assure you wasn't much.

Through my searching, much of what has come to me was the evidence that God was using all this to draw me closer to Him. I finally gave into it and I started writing a lot, just to myself and to God. This was my way of trying to put my struggles into perspective and try to make some kind of sense out of the tangled and twisted thoughts, doubts and fears that had suddenly taken a deadly hold on me.

During my extensive reading and searching a quote came to me quite by accident which immediately grabbed my heart--my writer's heart: "There's something delicious about writing the first words of a story. You never quite know where they'll take you..." Beatrix Potter

Because I love to write so much that it sometimes overwhelms me, it was recommended that I start a blog such as this that might help me to find an outlet for my unquenchable desire to write, and maybe give me some purpose for still being alive and useful in helping someone else who might be struggling with the same, or even much different battles.

So, I took the advice. I don't know where they will take me, but here are my "first delicious words." Here is my Writer's Heart, to be opened with hopes to bring some light and hope into someone else's darkness and searching.

I love you, dear broken and searching heart...